Disclaimer: I decided that this site could use a dose of silliness. Beware of this story. I wrote it some time ago (around 7 years) trying to be as obnoxious as possible. It has since grown to be somewhat of an inside joke among my friends. Do enjoy the saga of the Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile.
Since the dawn of time love has been man’s quest. Dogs have been his best friend. Death has been his fear, and weird looking things have been his nemesis. Though our modern technology of steel has shielded us from the dangerously infectious nature of these creatures, remote parts of our world are still ravaged by them one woodpile at a time. This story is not for the faint of heart. It chronicles my unfortunate encounter with a weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile.
The summer day was bright and so my friend Liz and I decided to do some cleaning around the barn. It was a rather uneventful day until we tackled the woodpile. The first few boards went as expected, but it was not long before we were forced to stop our labor altogether. There in the center of the pile of wood was growing a monstrous… well…. thing.
“What is it?” asked Liz, squinting for a better look.
“I scratched my head in thought and replied, “I can’t say.”
“It looks weird.” Her statement startled me. It jostled my memory, back to something I had read.
“Oh no…” I said. “It looks like we have a weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile!”
“Eugh,” she replied. “Can you get the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile out?”
“I can’t say, but I’ll try.” She moved out of my way and I positioned myself strategically in front of the woodpile, spreading my legs for leverage. I squared my shoulders and said, “Weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile, you’re coming out!”
So I reached into the heart of the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile and I grabbed the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile by its trunk (if indeed that’s what it should be called) and I pulled and tugged and pushed and shoved, but no matter how many Dr. Seuss couplets I strung together, the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile would not budge!
Utterly shocked at my complete failure, I said to Liz, “We have a problem. We need help.”
So we opened the phone book and turned to the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile extermination agency section and, finding the number for the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency, called the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency. And the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency telephone operator picked up the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency telephone and said, “Hello?”
“Hello,” I said. “We have a weird looking thing growing out of our woodpile.”
“My, my,” said the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency telephone operator. “It sounds like you have a serious problem. So the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Telephone Operator flipped over her name tag so it now read “ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Exterminator!” She left the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency building and, climbing in the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency truck drove to our barn.
Upon the arrival of the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Exterminator, Liz and I jumped for joy as the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Exterminator got out of the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency truck and looked at the woodpile. And the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Exterminator said, “You have a weird looking thing growing out of your woodpile!”
To which we replied, “Duh!” The ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Exterminator wasted no time in going to the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination Agency truck and pulling out the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Extermination tool, which the ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Exterminator applied to the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile, saying, “Weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile, you’re coming out!” But the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile would not move!
And so it was that at the end of our day, we were thwarted by the weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile. Don’t let this happen to you. Know the signs. Protect yourself. The weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile is ever watchful!
- This story is based on actual events though the names, places and happenings are entirely made up.
- Liz went on to become a professional ACME Weird Looking Thing Growing out of the Woodpile Exterminator, slaying countless weird looking things growing out of their respective woodpiles.
- I am still recovering from the trauma to this day. I have progressed as far as being able to say, “Weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile” without breaking out in a cold sweat.
- The weird looking thing growing out of the woodpile graduated from Harvard Law and is now employed as a civil lawyer fighting for weird looking things growing out of the woodpile rights. It is to his credit that such politically correct terms as “ivy” and “weed” have been invented.
I’m glad you left the disclaimer. Although by the sixth of seventh use of the same phrase I probably would have figured out it was meant to be humorous. If annoying is synonomous with humorous, it’s very funny! :)